(GE Copy)

Aboard the Suudelma Järvestä (Part 1)

“The sea... Ah, yes... The sea! Blue are ye depths and white are ye merry waves yet black be her heart. Vast as the eye can ponder, and land weigh far off the starboard; a roam of seagulls in a wet earth, restrained of her offspring, calls of lands far away. From her tips, to the ports abound this blue earth, she is without bounds. A giver of life, yet her waters consume all. It is the beginning, and the end to those who pay her not her dues... And at the depths where no man make sail, thy’re be a graveyard of restless spirits singing sea shanties the world over, singing for the end of days.”

Rope them up / and tie them down
Find the drunk / where he be found
Tie him to / the mast up high
It’s time to do his job!

Set the sail and hear her wail / of gales from ‘yond the seas
If there’s hope then set’er free, / for where I am is where I be.

You better hope / you better pray
That this cursed soul / not come you way
I would not hide / I would not run
If we cuss / I’ll pull my gun

Lift the hatch / a storm does brew
We still got / things to do
We cannot wait / we cannot stall
Hear the pirates call!

Were the lost and never found / to the bottom have we been bound
Swirling currents of empty souls / burning with the cold

Yar there be / a soul up there
But she’ll meet / with great despair
See that fool, and what he bore
to cross the Concords shore...

Look at them / they came prepared
Searching treasure / for they what dare
won’t be long / for what they fear
Soon they’ll crawl down to here

In the misty blinds of the dark and dreary drive of damnation, the ship turned in preparation for the tide. It was spoke of that the belly below them pulled the current with the east, having a graveyard below it. All hands held firm as the ship tilted to compensate, but the worst came yet. From the ripping winds down the valley of two sharp walls, came a break and then a dead zone that wrinkled their sails. With only the current to rely on, it was dragging them backwards. The eager eyes on deck began to sweat, until a call was echoed through the hellish corridor, “All hands! Throw the ropes!” Then came five or six cabin boys from the galley, hucking the fibrous cordage to every able hand.

They lassoed the rocky spires, eight men on each side, tugging their vessel with the shore. Two men on each side to lasso the next hitching, and one lad to untangle the shoddy storage. There came a hickup where the last few grapples of rope had been poorly returned, and without the new line they were offset, careening the ship off balance towards the rocks. It landed with a crash, then floated itself with the momentum, back on course. The men eased off the line as the mighty vessel came upon the pool’s edge, and lowered the anchor with grace.

Standing atop it’s pointy bowsprite with a bottle of rum, stood the feared scourge of the sea, Captain Felicity. Panting from behind, his personal cabin boy Aaron reported in, “Lay me a pistol, for the man who put those ropes away last time... How’s the damages?”

Shrugging, Felicity turned to him, “Eh, it’ll buff out. Little fibreglass, little bondo...”

“But the ship... She’s wood.”

“...Have a man posted down below with a bucket until we return to shore. We’ll send some men out to retrieve the lines from earlier. Come now, treasure awaits.” Hopping onto the darkened sea stone. Half covered by the mouth of it’s entrance, Felicity and his first man carried the front line while their men followed eagerly for the treasure. Withholding Aaron, Felicity informed, “Well, where I would care less of these deck scrubbers, we’ll need every hand on deck to return from here, lest we follow Davey Jones to his sex dungeon.” Dimly making out the chicken scratch, while the overcast sky could still illuminate his paper. “Mind the men back a couple paces, and keep them silent.” Following his hunch, Felicity withdrew his sword, and swished it before him. “Ay...” He confirmed, following the wire back to it’s holdings.

It was the side that ran the cord within, and was not held by the walls edge, nor by a boulder. Felicity called for a torch and it was given. Behold, the drill holes which be a hold’in the traps. Felicity stood apart from the sign of debauchery, and triggered the wire to release it’s worst from out of it’s range. A barrage of darts flew, plecking from the stone walls on both sides, and narrowly missing Captain Felicity after all.

“S’pose I should have checked both sides...” Examining himself for damages before continuing on. Somehow they managed not to light the tarred hallway ablaze, nor be feathered by the sharp walls of jagged edges. A pitfall existed, flushing a rapid waterway back out into the sea but it was overcame in time and smart thinking. After the long journey, and the fainting of about five men from the arduous trek of danger, and poisonous animals, they came onto the final door.

With a bold carving of a tree and some name plates, they caste it aside and went in straight for the breaching charges. Four men hammered away pilot holes along the door to cause it to fracture along the path, making much greater mileage out of their powder kegs. When it was set, they gave the fuse up to the captain. It lit, and sputtered back to the keg but there was silence. Wearily a man peeked out from the stone blast shield, “Oi, Captain! The fuse has stopped. She’s been extinguished.” Giving it another go, they stood back awaiting the loud flashing success to rattle through their ears. “Ay, Captain, she went out again...”

“Give that here...” Felicity requested, taking the torch back into their possession, and chucked it underneath the barrel directly.

Boom!

The earth rattled and shook, sending high pitch fractures along the walls, twanging like cut wires. After the dust settled, Felicity took point, and called everyone to the opening but the masonry was a dud. Only one of the fracture lines had done it’s job, leaving a tiny hole between the heavy stone and the door crack to crawl through. They tried to clear it but only so much of the rock could be dislodged. Felicity took the first steps past the gateway, onlooking the vast hoard that the pirate king left behind. Aaron following in behind, lead up the rear, and gawked at the sheer emptiness. A smattering of glimmers still shone in the dark, but the light illuminated no heap of wealth.

There stood however, a skylight; and by it’s midnight rays a spectral spirit was cast. It’s face resembled the pictures of old, and on his scowl bore the mark of a deadly intention. It withdrew it’s sword, and the ghost walked forth with great tenacity. “Ay, ye be me enemy, arr yes you is do be...” With all the menacing hollows of a malignant banshee. Felicity drew their own blade, thrusting their sword through the apperation’s skull before it could even return swing. “Har, har, har!” It spoke in a ghastly growl, “Trying to kill a ghost are ye be?” With a flick of his own, the ghost swung it’s rapier through Captain Felicity’s chest, until both stood there, confused. “Yar, it appear I also fergot that ye’s also be corporal, coheprial... Co... Coheapria, dammit! What is the vicar word for it again?

“Corporeal.” Felicity returned with cold eyes.

“Ay... Guess I go back to turning coins in the moonlit corner...” Reaching to pick up a coin from the floor, but never quite managing to grasp it. “Err... the afterlife sure be a dry bottle of yeller seawater.”

Leaving the decrepit old legend to the corner where he spoke of, Felicity scanned the room, until a single chest could be spotted. It’s rusted old lock had been cracked and the child’s play of breaking it free would soon reveal it’s mighty haul. Aaron stood overtop, confounded, watching Felicity finally open the chest. Within it’s chambers came a bright glory that filled Felicity’s hands, and flowed silently with a windless breeze. Felicity’s shock stricken voice could not fathom the value of what they beheld. “The world’s greatest treasure... It’s a.. One piece... Freaking bathing suit? What kind of sick joke is this!?” Slamming the cloth against the chest.

“Yar, tis be me favourite...” The ghostly pirate gleefully returned, “Me think’s ye’d mighty fine in it. Why not give’r a try, lass...”

“I’m a dude...”

“Ay, it’s been a many of high tide, I don’t seem to mind that anymore...”

“So...” Aaron waved his torch around, “That’s it?... And you... You’re him, aren’t you? You’re the pirate king.”

Stampering up proudly, the spectre lifted his fat thumb and called out his name. “Ay! In the flesh... Kinda.” Resetting his bold stature, “It is I! Scourge of the west sea, bondmen of the high, plunder’er of ye mothers dressers, and secretly your second daddy; Captain... Long Dong Silvers! Speaking... From beyond...” He howled ominously. Aaron nodded his head. “Apparently it’s a word in the East, never did figure out what it meant, but everyone else always just called me ‘big dick’. Yer, ‘fetch me a bottle Ambergris, I does needs me beard made fancy’ and they’d reply ‘what a massive dick’ before doing what I asked. Yes sir, it was harmony at it’s finest; the crew in their workstations, and me silvers honoured throughout the ranks, yes sir. ‘fill yer boots!’ I’d say, yes I did, though most the lads had a lot of holes in theirs, made more pocket for me own... Then, one day, the mutiny happened...”

“I really don’t care about your pirating days.” Felicity interrupted in a rut, “We’re leaving this dung hole, raise the anchor! We’re setting sail...” Grabbing the stupid cloth.

“Ay, lass... Eh, man-lass, the legend is goes that Captain, Long Dong Silvers, Scourge of the west sea, bondmen of the high is be the world over, king of the sea... Have you no interest of my tales of the high seas? Battles of great pirate wars? Woman pillaged, and treasures raped?...” Following Captain Felicity out of the treasure chambers. He seemed to follow the captain and his crew to their astonishment. It came to the docked ship that Felicity finally had more than their fill.

“Enough!” Felicity scowled, “Please, no more stories!”

“Ay, but the good old days...”

“Get over it, you’re dead; your friends are dead, your dog is dead, your treasure was lifted away from under your fingers, your crew betrayed you, and your ship has been making out with Davey Jones locker since I was an itch in my daddy’s panties. I don’t want to hear about your good old days!”

“But the bottles of wine! The stolen loin clothes of virgin islanders!”

“You’re history! Do you have idea how many Pirate kings there have been since you died two hundred some odd years ago? It’s like the royal fucking family out there! You’re one, one of a hundred; like Persian Princes, sitting on the fame of their daddy’s lecherous breeding habits! Fucking Rabbits! You’re dead, just get over it already...”

“At least let me get me revenge on those skervy sea rats that swooped me sheckles of fine silver.” Stalling Captain Felicity, “The treasure means nothing if I can no longer hold warmth to cockles of me cold dead heart, but that anger burns within me like a caged beast unable the bite the hand that slaved it.”

“What treasure? The traps still set... The door was sealed shut –The blocker still on the handles from the inside... There had not the sign of life since the days of admirals... How’d they manage to swindle the entire ocean of gold without leaving a single trace? If’ins you ever even had any to begin with! Pirate king my arse!”

“Ay, but they did... Traps laid with fresh line, with new technology. Every last detail replaced to keep the legend alive. As they lowered the original latch back onto the door, they crawled out in a bucket that they lowered from the ceiling, and the only light of me life was to see me shiny gold pulled out through the moonlit hole...”

“Serves you right for putting a skylight in your treasure hoard.”

“An’ how else does a man ponder his wealth in darkness?” As they climbed aboard.

“So, how be it?” The crew welcomes back aboard. “Mountains of gold that would make yer aunty quiver? Stacks of emeralds to drive a rich man crazy? Silver so pure it’d burn the hand of any banker who laid eyes on it?”

“Plundered...” Felicity remorsed, as the crew cheered, “...By Someone else...” and the cheering stopped.

In the corner, an old man threw down his cap and cried “Yar... I swore on this vessel that I’d leave the ice business behind for some real pirating... But now the ice fields is all I have left...” Then grumbled a few tears.

Inspecting the oddly stretched fabric, Felicity squinted, questioning what he saw. “Why... Why are there hairs in this this?”

“Well,” Long Dong Silvers reminisced, “Some times after a few seawater brew, I’d sit myself fancy by me mirror to...” As Felicity tosses the bathing suit into the sea. “No! The one piece! By Neptune's barnacle collection, it’s gone! Gone down to Davey Jones panty drawer!”

“Kenny!” Felicity slung furiously, “Stop gawking at our new ghostly parasite, and put the ropes away, were setting sail..."

Come up, the chubby little guy confessed, “I'm not very good at figuring shit out...”

“Deckard! Stop wining and take Kenny’s place... Oh, and throw him overboard at next land. He has union rights after all, rights to be reunited with the sea!”

Casually the old Deckhand bemoaned, “Sling another order, why don’t ya sire...” while picking up his cap from the floor.

“I swear if you keep that up, I’ll drag this ship back to the ice fields of the Baltic Sea myself! No, the moon!”

And with a grumble and a mumble, Deckard was off. “Ay...” Another man called, “The Baltic Sea... They used to call me The Semlor Bun Barron, there ya-know.”

“Cram it Munchausen!” Felicity thundered, “I need me ale early... Bridges!”

“Ay,” the man in question returned snappily.

“Where’s the man with the accor... No, better... Was... Wasn’t there a parrot that used to fly around on deck slinging orders for me?”

“Ay, We had to give him the axe after he started picking up on the crew’s sailor talk and began spouting racial slurs at the indigenous folk. We had him for dinner a month ago, remember? It was right after he called the chef a... Well... You know what country we picked him up at...”

“Bloody blistering lake water! Put it in the ledger for another parrot... Now, get me off this desolate mound before me mind turns to shellfish! ALL OF YAS! BACK TO SEA!”

Turning it’s course, the men’s butts clenched like a herd of angry oysters, passing by the old deathtraps. Malignant souls circled underneath, crawling at the steep ocean walls, chanting as the vessel drifted past overhead. They swung out at the burling ship, but their ghastly grasp would not reach the floor boards while ‘Last Phase of the Moon’, Drawnbeard Jambalaya held the helm. The rolling waves crashed into the bow, and tickled the mast as men clung to the rafters for floor joists. Captain Felicity laughed, baring the barren sea breeze as his first mate crawled on deck. “Holy mackerel! It was so much smoother coming in...” Aaron cried, as a stray fish flew up from the tide to kiss him on the jawbone.

Captain Felicity laughed heartier at his invincibility, taking in a salty splash of sea water and dawned his hat. “Right, leaving it to you, full confidence, the whole nine yards, yadi yada...” Felicity assigned, spitting the saline swill from his mouth.

The waves soon subsided, and the men had settled down from the roaring winds. Ten men were out on deck when the helmsmen hung up his coat. Taking the bottle held before him, Jambalaya nodded to Felicity and took shift to polish off his new wine. Sitting amidst the captains quarters, Aaron was tending to his jaw, lifting the damp rag to speak.

“Ay... Fe... Captain... I’s be thinking.” Aaron inquired, “Around the last port. Well, if ya recall our... Parlay, I had reckoned my services were a little... less than standard.”

“My first man, inadequate?” Felicity spat into an empty cup.

“Ay, why am I even your first mate? There be deckhands in the lower levels with more wits than I. Me hands are soft and frail, me skills are best levelled by the rope bearer... I’s just thinking, with our turn of events, the rest of the crew would take less well to our paycheck than I...”

“This ship, this crew? What sp’ose you that it runs on? Gold, fine silver, a wenches company from port to salty sea port? On this vessel which carry our dreams?”

“I never dreamed of being a pirate...”

Felicity’s sympathy turned to a disdainful regret. “Remember where I found ya, lad? Remember the cold cobbles of a dingy alley where there not been a soul so sincere? You remember the smell of rotting fish oils and the holes in yer knees? Nay, I suppose you don’t, nor my hand that pulled you out from the shallows of a pariah’s own piss pot. Ye were only eight when we saved you from the begging bowl of Nordic village with less coin then they had compassion. Do you remember your first cooked feast, the fattened bird of an admirals galley? Me thoughts I had seen the Pisces cascade running down your rosy weathered cheeks. But I guess the splendour of a treasure’s heap does things to a man’s mind. Oh, I know it well... Makes him forget who dragged him out of the squalor of offals and the fish chum. Look at you now, wealth, fame, power, freedom. Children in the new lands gotta wait till their twenty one to drink that piss they call barley, yo-hoe, now drink up!” Lifting Aaron’s head, “Besides, dreams don’t power a ship, lest they have something left worth dreaming about.” Taking his bottle down to the lower decks.